Thursday, June 8, 2017

Slightly Weird Habits of Your Resident Food-Snob



You may have become the parent/partner/roommate of a food snob ("foodie" as they prefer to be called) if the following occurs when your resident human comes in contact with the presence (or subject) of food and he/she:
  • Wants your help with the meal but simultaneously asks you to please let it do the salad itself because you'll cut the cucumbers too thickly and the strawberries too chunky.
  • Must have the frosting on cakes perfectly smooth but the pastry on pies perfectly choppy. "Rustic," said human will call it.
  • Is the last to stop for bathrooms on a road-trip but the first to detect (and stop for) worthwhile food.
  • Will spend more money on gas to go in search of eclectic food than gas to get to work.
  • Talks about chefs the way you talk about celebrities
  • Doesn't consider any occasion a valid occasion for eating at McDonald's
  • Asks to stop in every bookstore just to read cookbooks. All the cookbooks. And screen-shots photos to bring home and cook from instead of actually buying cookbooks.
  • Knows the difference between Gorgonzola, Roquefort, and Stilton cheeses
  • Voluntarily points visitors to the best coffee shops in the district
  • Has a basic horror of eating at chain restaurants
  • Finds a way to bring the topic of croissants into every conversation ever.
  • Refers to "lamination" foremost as a pastry tactic, forgetting most people mean something office-related
  • Actually knows how to pronounce "banh-mi" and "momofuku"
  • Has considered naming their cat "Ottlenghi"
  • Gets routine cases of knife envy
  • Threatens to throw all your knives out
  • Obsessively sharpens your knives when you're not looking
  • Considers measurements to be suggestions rather than rules
  • Would gladly marry your Kitchen-Aid mixer if that was an option
  • Lovingly drizzles olive oil
  • Has a small harem of flavored salts
  • Has a healthy dread of humidity and what it might do to hopeful egg whites
  • Holds processed foods in abject horror
  • Wants you to understand how vital it is to eat local
  • Volunteers to eat the baby octopi which occasionally show up on a calamari plate
  • Religiously cleans the stove-top
  • Takes photos of everything you eat, before you have a chance to eat it
  • Routinely lets their food go cold in order to get a proper over-head shot without steam interference
  • Has no time for current news but reads Food52 religiously
  • Can tell you the difference between a confit and a compote
  • Quotes Julia Child as if she knows Julia Child, which she definitely doesn't.
  • Has nightmares of going truffle-hunting and ending up with some other kind of (perilous) mushroom
  • Insists on spending weekends at the farmers market
  • Orders lattes only at shops that create foam art
  • Comes home from vacation with a suitcase full of spices
  • Wonders if it is possible to smuggle foreign fruit trees through TSA
  • Cannot stomach airplane food
  • Can supreme citrus without watching a tutorial

 If your resident human displays any of the above traits, she may suffer from FSD (Food Snob Disorder). The condition is generally irreversible but can be assuaged by proper diet, solid reading, and unlimited experimentation with the ingredients in your kitchen. Occasionally humans suffering from FSD will turn their condition to a productive end, providing food for those in their household (and others) or even going on to culinary school and/or to open restaurants of their own. If left to their own devices, FSD sufferers will often replenish their good humor with an especially well-plated meal or unexpected flavor combination. Though FSD has no known cure, it can be managed by the above tactics. Give your Food Snob a pantry and a little bit of cookware and your FSD will in all likelihood live a long and well-fed life.

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