Thursday, December 3, 2015

ALERT: The Dangers of Wearing Lipstick

The risks I run when wearing lipstick. The risks! You wouldn't think that anyone could hold a grudge against you (for your lipstick) for three years. But let me tell you: it happens.

How. How does it happen? It happens when you're a little too eager to show the world it is beautiful. It happens when you take up a short-lived and ill-fated campaign to write body-positive and encouraging messages on the ladies' room mirror with cheap lipstick. It happens when you do it once at a Starbucks and the new barista is made to clean the bathroom because he can't work the bar yet. It happens when that new barista is fantastic at holding grudges.

For three years, I never realized about that grudge.

Thankfully, serendipity is very sweet. Friends of mine worked at this Starbucks and the story leaked out. Every time I walk into the store (apparently I wear lipstick a lot?) and this barista is on the bar, he makes a gruff remark about "that girl with the lipstick." I'm sorry, darling, for the timbre of your life. I'm sorry for what the inside of your mood must look like if the girl who mistakenly ruined your day once can ruin it again every time she walks into the store and gives you a bright red or pink or magenta or plum-colored smile. I'm sorry you don't want to get to know me so you could see that I wish I could make your life more cheerful than it is. I mean, not judging or anything, but if it was all san patico, you'd probably not still despise me.

Thankfully, this fellow prefers to hold his grudge in silence. He's not the sort that would act out on his pent-up rage and bludgeon me over the head with a venti iced macchiato in the dark parking lot. So I'm safe...this time.

But I'll never think of lipstick the same way. Wearing lipstick is dangerous, y'all. In an effort to raise awareness about the dangers incumbent on wearing lipstick, I have compiled a list below. I hope it will prove to alert those of you who have not thought about it before to the dangers inherent in frequent use of this beauty product. Maybe you'll think twice before buying a new color.

Bright lipstick might cause a stranger to smile at you. BEWARE. When wearing lipstick, you set yourself a degree apart from many other people. This causes the happy-minded stranger to settle on you when scanning faces in a crowd. You will probably be looking pleasant. It will probably cause the stranger to smile.
Wearing lipstick might leave a mark on the cheeks of small children (or grown men) you kiss. This is a big problem because it might even take soap and water to remove the lipstick. I mean, consider the implications? Definite cause for caution.
Lipstick can become addictive. If you become accustomed to wearing lipstick and choosing a color for your lips based on your current mood, you will find it alarmingly difficult to decide not to wear any lipstick at all. You might even ask to borrow someone's lip-balm because your lips are feeling dry and less splendid than usual.
Lipstick could become part of your signature. This is a potentially harmful thing, because you will be easy to pin-point in a crowd of, say, a thousand women as "That One Who Wears Lipstick." Just you try to get away from the mafia or a stalker or a hitman with a description like that to base their woman-hunt off of.
A favorite shade of lipstick might cause increase in confidence. And since over-confidence always follows confidence, you want to try to stay as far away from sartorial poise as possible. If you sense an increase in confidence following application of lipstick and a good outfit, please wipe it off as quickly as possible and change into a hoodie, sweatpants, and flip-flops until the feeling passes.
It might cause coordination in your outfit. It's scary-easy to tie all the components of an outfit together with the proper shade of lipstick. I mean, stay away.

Please share this list. I am concerned that more women will fall prey to the dangers listed above or, even worse, get have their Starbucks-lovers turn into haters.

6 comments:

  1. Haha, nicely done. Lipstick is a powerful thing.

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  2. I feel like I need to work on even wearing lipstick. I am more of a lip gloss kind of lady (and since that is not professional, that is only for Sunday . . . when I remember). I am more about the eyes. I am really picky about my lipstick colors too.

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  3. Oh my goodness! This made me laugh so much! I loved this post! Definitely what I needed to read to lighten up my day! Thank you for alerting us to all those hidden dangers... who would have ever known! I'll definitely be wearing lipstick more often, now! ;)

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  4. This is so funny, I will be sure to watch for these things. If I ever do take a liking to lipstick.

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  5. Thank you. I needed this today.

    (Lipstick also leaves lip prints on the thermometer when you're sick and feeling like blagh, but it helps when an amazing blogger posts something sweet and funny.)

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  6. I love that so many people thought Taylor Swift was saying "Starbucks lovers" and not "ex-lovers" because it makes that song even more satirical. And I love satire. Moving on...XD

    Yes. Lipstick is hazardous. We really should be spreading more awareness about this issue. I mean, it can start fires. In hearts & heads & makeup collections. Beware. ;)

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